America Over – Abort! Abort!

 Posted by on 09 Nov 2016  Holy Shit
Nov 092016

It's happeningWeeeeell, well, well. Look, we’re all Americans here. We’re all hurting. I’m pretty sure most of us got high on bath salts and tried to fuck a porcupine last night just to try to make the pain go away – this is normal! But now it’s Wednesday, and we have to take a sober look at what we’ve done. We have to look at it calmly. For instance, most people are going to want to vacate, obvs. But how do we leave America in an orderly fashion, like George Washington would have wanted? Women first? Or Muslims? Mexicans? Do brown people get to go to a country of their choice or do they just get evenly dispersed among the countries whose names Trump can’t pronounce? And what about women? Probably should rank them and then put them on the islands of Hot or Not.
Remember Mitt Romney? Remember?? Hahaha! He was rich! And out of touch! Those were good times. Remember how we laughed???? AAhjajzHHHAAha!!!!1
Funny how many times the FBI became, unbecame, then became again a political animal in the last week. Funnier still, is how after Comey came out with his silly non-allegations, all of a sudden you didn’t hear the inane ramblings out of Trump’s vagina-mouth about how the election is rigged! RIGGED! Normally the RNC is all about saying an election is rigged, too, but they’re all, “come on, mang, you gotsta waits til AFTER the election!” and also there was that whole weird little legal thing from 1980 that said you, the RNC, are totally not allowed to have poll-watching shitheads in minority neighborhoods in New Jersey! Turns out that not many of Trump’s doughy fans actually wanted to take that ride on their tractors into the “inner cities,” so everything worked out I guess. But holy jeez is this guy just a blatant, lying fuckstick.
We are looking at a possible Hannity press secretary. A Gingrich secretary of state. A Christie something or other. The enormity of this has not yet hit me, my friends.
This is a time of crisis, my goddamn liberty lovers. We need to gather our collective jaw off of the ground and our collective poop on the lawn of that goober neighbor with the Trump sign and GET IT THE FUCK TOGETHER. One day at a time.

Aug 242014

Big Gulp of stupidSarah Palin now has an online teevee thing, and although it is behind a paywall, somehow we all got treated to this beautiful piece of…slurred prose? Self-parody? Deep-level satire? I have to share the sentiments in Jezebel’s headline – “Sarah Palin Hits Peak Palin and I’m More Concerned Than Anything Else” – just a little bit, as something of an ex-boozehound myself. But then you remember that Sarah Palin is a terrible, tight-lipped snowbilly grifter who really, really just wants your money.

Yes, yes, this happened a couple of weeks ago, and Your GoddamnLiberal has been living in a hole for the last year or so, but we must point out that the clip of Elizabeth Warren that she is “responding to” here, is also quite old. So we’re all making untimely comments about shit that is not exactly news. Get over it, and just enjoy the Sadness:

In the clip, she aims to dig at Elizabeth Warren, but instead gets tangled in her biblical references and general muddled disdain. Here’s the text to really drive home how unintelligible the sounds issuing from her mouth are:

“We believe”? Wait, I thought fast food joints, hurh. Don’t you guys think that they’re like of the Devil or somethin’ I was. Liberals, you want to send those evil employees who would dare work at a fast food joint then ya just don’t believe in, thought you wanted to, I dunno, send them to Purgatory or somethin’ so they all go VEGAN and, uh, wages and picket lines I dunno they’re not often discussed in Purgatory, are they? I dunno why are you even worried about fast food wages because dha.

Well, we believe an America where minimum wage jobs they’re not lifetime gigs they’re stepping stone.”


YouTube via Jezebel ]

Aug 242014

Still alive, still saying things

Yes, both of these things did occur! Are they at all related to each other? Did they even happen in the same decade? No, we just thought you might need a quick reminder that Aging Loser Ted Nugent dodged the Vietnam War draft by pretending to be crazy, which, for some reason, included pooping in his own panties for a week or something. Classy guy. Real patriot. Really brave, and just full of totally well-informed political opinions and such (also poop).

Mouth-breathing, attention-seeking gun fucker Ted Nugent did a thing and now we must discuss it because he is famous so people listen to him and boy is it stupid.

Nugent has taken to the FacePlace to learn us all about a little thing called Reverse Racism, which is ruining our country and you don’t even know it. From Crooks & Liars:

Just what this country needs: Another race baiting, right-wing idiot weighing in on the Ferguson situation in a most heinous and racist light. Ted Nugent, the hard-core right-wing fool, has posted a list of white people who’ve been murdered by black people on his Facebook page – to “prove” some sort of reverse racism, I guess. As of now, I find no sourcing information for his claims on his Facebook page and as usual he’s blaming the mainstream media for not reporting these crimes as national news.

People were killed, therefore ???

Don’t you see, sheeple? People get murdered every single day and if that person happens to be white it is just of no interest to Lamestream Media and you won’t hear about it. And if that white person is killed by a black person? Forget about it – there will be a media-wide cover-up from Day One to make sure that information gets to you, because nobody cares about white people.

I don't even think she *sees* race - only justice.

Understand something, Nooge. Racism, sexism – any kind of “ism”, really – it only works top-down on the power structure. Like, men are not oppressed by the terrible women that make them have sex, nor are they oppressed by the court system that tells them that if a baby results from that sex they just had, they must pay money in order for the baby to continue to live. For more examples, see your local library and look up “how not to be a dick”.

So as long as the black people have less power than the white people in so many ways, the fact that white policemen are more and more frequently treating black life as disposable is a problem. It is a problem for all of us, dipshit. Yeah, lots of murders happen, and none of them should, and it’s awful when people die young in any situation. This is the difference, though, between a tragedy and an injustice.

[ Snopes /Crooks & Liars / FacePlace ]

Aug 222014

Known Black Man Barack Obama is still masquerading around as president (he basically just did Bush’s “Now watch this drive” shtick) and yet still Some People Say™ that racism is not dead in this country. How can this be?

  • We elected him.
  • He is black.
  • He once said something about the fact that if he had a son he would also be black, too.

What else is there for the leader of the most powerful nation to do? Oh, something, you greedy47-percenters, say? He could do something? Well, perhaps in theory that is correct. But this B. Barry Bamz is a smooth operator and would like to just get in office, then get in again, and then get out with no issues, thank you very much. His memoirs will be entitled I Was Never Here: The Phantom President.

And then there’s this:

The president of the United States has awesome powers and responsibilities. But being a superhero is not one of them. But you wouldn’t know that by listening to those demanding that President Obama do all sorts of questionable things in response to the tumult over the police killing of Michael Brown. They want Obama to act out in some visceral way. They want more emotion from him on the horrible actions in and images coming out of Ferguson, Missouri. They just want him to do something. All the while completely ignoring what he’s actually doing, what he actually can do and what he is actually capable of doing…

After six years in office, we know the president is incapable of delivering the rage so many people seem desperate to see from him.

Doesn’t he want anything to change? I thought he did; I recall hearing something about change. But then this thing called the Right Wing Media came – from out of nowhere! – and swept him off his feet, I guess. He’s been trying to win its love ever since, even though all they ever give him is a metaphorical punch in the face. “Oh well, I guess I’ll try again tomorrow,” he says, glumly his dozen roses drooping in the sad, sad D.C. moonlight.

Pull your shit together, Barry, and be a goddamn leader on something – especially on this. Why?

  • We elected you.
  • You are black.
  • The black community needs you.

Fuck the Right Wing Echochamber and take a strong stance on something. Say this shit is, first of all, real, and also unacceptable. Fuck everyone else – you are the goddamn Prezident! Tell us what is wrong with our country and how you intend to fix it. Every time I hear a politically-calculated statement about race come out of your mouth, I die a little.

[ Crooks & Liars / Washington Post ]

Sep 202013

Known black man Barack Obama is fanning the flames of racial tension again.

What did he do this time, you ask? See, remember that Neighborhood Thug, Trayvon Martin, who was shot and killed for reasons involving freedom that we cannot possibly understand but definitely don’t have anything to do with race? Well, when that happened, ol’ Barry came out and was all, “Hey, that kid could have been my kid, and maybe America should not shoot so many unarmed black kids.”

It came out of nowhere. No really – it literally was unprecedented, because in 5 years of presidenting, Obummer has managed to basically say zero about his alleged blackness and to do even less than that for actual black people in America.

So the right wing was all, “How dare you bring race and guns into this thing that clearly does not involve race and guns?” The butthurt was palpable.

Fast forward to last Monday, when a big scary black man shot up a bunch of people in the Washington Navy Yard. Another tragedy, another black perpetrator (no, Trayvon was not the perpetrator, but that was really confusing because he is dead and could not speak at his own murder trial, so we just had to go with whatever Fox News told us). Will President Obama claim this one as his own also, too??

Aaron and Trayvon, Obama's lost sons

Wait – HUH? Is that logic airtight? Eh, sure. Seems legit. Dave Weigel has a bunch more like this if you are interested in seeing more derpy-doo. Cenk Uygur breaks down why perhaps comparing unarmed teenagers to homicidal maniacs does not make much sense:

[ Slate / The Young Turks ]

Sep 042013
White Person Denounces White Heritage, Because 'White People'

I am a white person. But I’m not one of those – you know – like, a white white person? My friends often pay me the compliment of telling me that I am not “really white,” and I am quite proud of my not-really-white whiteness. Especially because I have just read the story that has finally […]

Jul 062013
This Man Wants One Million of You to Quit Porning, for Jesus

Your Goddamn Libertine would like to take some time out of her slut pill-popping day to inform all ye sinners about this wonderful and not-at-all batshit insane opportunity. Lindsey Graham’s ambiguously-gendered life partner, Pastor Jay Dennis from Somewhere In Florida (probably), has an exciting new campaign called “One Million Men” (no dummy, not that Million […]

Jul 052013
Is the South Dragging the Rest of America Down? A Southern Gal's Response

This is a guest post by Rachel B., a real-life Southerner, now living in our nation’s capitol. It is in response to this Alternet piece, entitled “Is the South Dragging the Rest of the Nation Down?” When I first moved to Washington, DC, more than seven years ago, I noticed many people put on a fake smile […]

Jul 052013
Your Goddamn Liberal, Terrorizing DC at the Restore the Fourth Rally

My headless husband and I at the Restore the 4th Rally yesterday. [Photo via Blink Ofanaye on Flickr]

We Are Terrorists

 Posted by on 22 Jun 2013  War: What Is It Good For?
Jun 222013
We Are Terrorists

Why is this even a controversial statement? Quiz time! Who are we at war with? Afghanistan? Not really. The Taliban? Sort of. Is that who we officially declared war on though? No, dummies, that was Terror, remember? Oh also, no official declaration, as you know. Perhaps this seems to some a tired, old topic that […]

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