Nov 212012

Beloved American Hero Allen West has been taken down by The Democratic Voting Machine ACORN We The People of Florida’s 18th congressional district. Florida finally (sort of?) got their shit together and counted all of their votes! (Maybe. Definitely enough to get the gist, though!) So hooray for them!

So did Westy go graciously, gallantly into the night, praising his opponent for a well-fought race, etc. etc.? Of course he did not. In fact, he showed strong symptoms of the butthurt during his concession speech, in which he whined the following sentences:

For two weeks since Election Day, we have been working to ensure every vote is counted accurately and fairly.  We have made progress towards that goal, thanks to the dedication of our supporters and their unrelenting efforts to protect the integrity of the democratic process.  While many questions remain unanswered, today I am announcing that I will take no further action to contest the outcome of this election.

While there are certainly still inaccuracies in the results, and the actions of the St. Lucie County and Palm Beach County Supervisors of Elections rightly raise questions in my mind and for many voters, after much analysis and this past weekend’s recount in St. Lucie County, our legal team does not believe there are enough over-counted, undercounted or fraudulent votes to change the outcome of the election.

While a contest of the election results might have changed the vote totals, we do not have evidence that the outcome would change.  Given the extremely high evidentiary hurdles involved in a successful challenge, I will not ask my generous supporters to help fund a drawn-out, expensive legal effort with little chance of success. Therefore, we will not contest the certification or challenge the seating of Congressman-elect Murphy.

What a guy! So he will not be squeezing any more money out of his Medicare-milking, Social Security-loving supporters (for now). That’s good. But wait! Maybe he this thing ends in him diplomatically acknowledging the person who beat him senseless and won, fair and square…

I want to congratulate my opponent, Patrick Murphy, as the new Congressman from the 18th Congressional District.

See there? This is why we don’t make snap judgments before we’ve even heard the whole–

I pray he will serve his constituents with honor and integrity, and put the interests of our nation before his own.

Oh, Allen West, you catty bitch. What will you do now, brave sir?

I have dedicated my life to serving this nation, and the results of this election will not change my purpose. Just as I did in the deserts of Iraq and Afghanistan, just as I did on Capitol Hill, I will continue to fight for our Republic.

Oohhh…okay. So we’re segueing here? If you insist on “fighting for our Republic,” could you please not do it the way you did “in the deserts of Iraq and Afghanistan”? Could you please just not do it in the way that involves illegally detaining policemen, and shooting guns off next to their ears, just for fun? It is all that we ask. We The People.

Alright, so that’s pretty much it for the speech, so how will he continue to grift his supporters fight for our Republic? We don’t know yet, but here he is jabbering about it on Fox “News”:

“Leaders don’t need a title to be able to lead,” West told Fox News. “I will continue to be servant of this nation.”

Sound familiar? Let us recall what our favorite snowbilly hack said in her resignation speech (you know, when she fucking quit for cash prizes and teevee shows for her horrible family!):

I will support others who seek to serve, in or out of office, for the right reasons, and I don’t care what party they’re in or no party at all. Inside Alaska – or Outside Alaska.

But I won’t do it from the Governor’s desk.

I’ve never believed that I, nor anyone else, needs a title to do this – to make a difference… to help people. So I choose, for my state and my family, more “freedom” to progress, all the way around…so that Alaska may progress…I will not seek re-election as Governor.

Titles! Who needs ’em?! And so launched the lucrative post-government career of one of the most banal, mean-spirited women ever to bounce out of politics and into our laps. (With boners!) West can never dream of topping the Queen. But if he works really hard and spends a lot of donor money, and spews a bunch of hate and maybe instead of accusing the Democrats in Congress of harboring 80+ card-carrying commies, he can just go straight to making “blood libel” accusations at them, right next to a giant American flag – because apparently they’ll sell those things to anyone – put next to his fireplace in an attempt to appear…official? Believable? Human? We don’t know. 

So onward, Christian soldiers of America! It doesn’t matter if you’re a quitter or a loser – you will always have a home in the Republican party.

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